Inside the Mind of an LJ Lurker

When the hell did 7 months pass?!

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:33:21 GMT

Okay, so I just realized that it's been mroe than 7 months since I posted in my journal. I suck.

So real life whooped my ass. I suppose it's understandable--in the last seven months I've moved around, was offered a job, got a puppy, got that job offer taken back because of an agency that didn't know what they were doing, presented at a social work conference, got a new job, got my research published, got promoted at the new job, and started about 8 new clients in family therapy. So I guess I see how it happened.

But STILL. 7 MONTHS!!

So even though I know there's like no one reading this since I only posted a few times, but I'm still hoping to get back into the wing of things. I have a list of fic ideas that range from random one sentence idea to almost finished, and a abouttwoboys entry that I never finished (again, I'm SO BAD!) So hopefully, within the next few weeks there will be some more developments.

So if anyone out there in LJ land hears this.... I'M BACK!!!! For now. With the best intentions to post. We'll see. Hehe

26 Minutes

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:57:33 GMT

Title: 26 Minutes

Author: alyson_rocks

Characters/Paring: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13 (just a little boy kissing)
Length: 2,467 words
Summary: A change of plans with Jensen makes Jared think about their relationship.

Disclaimer: Do you honestly think if I had any personal connection to these beautiful men I would be wasting time writing about or sharing them? This is just wishful thinking about two awesome actors who are cool enough to let their fans do crazy stuff like this.
Author’s Note: OMG have you guys ever had comments? They are so tasty—I love them so much : )

A gasp escaped Jared’s lips as his eyes shot open, tears at the corners. His breath came in hitches, and he shut his eyes tightly a few times, trying to rid himself of the images that ran through his mind. He looked over at Jensen’s sleeping form next to him. He was curled up against Jared’s side, his mouth open as he snored softly. Jared focused on the planes of his chest, where a nasty bruise had blossomed up his shoulder.

Jensen had called him today, almost an hour late to go out. It’s not like they had huge plans or anything—a couple hours at the batting cages, an out of the way little dive with the best cheesy fries Jared had ever tasted, then back home for a quiet night curled up with the dogs catching up on TiVo’d episodes of The Office. Jared had called Jen’s phone a few times, but it just went straight to voice mail. Finally his phone had rung, an unknown number on the other side.

“Hello?”

“Hey man.” Jensen’s voice sounded tired.

“Jen,” he sighed, relieved. “Hey, you on your way? We should get going soon if we wanna make the cages.”

“I know dude, I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to cancel tonight.” Jensen had been looking forward to this night for more than a week now. With how crazy the shooting schedule had been, they hadn’t gotten a night to themselves in way too long.

“What’s going on?” Jared asked worriedly, sitting up and gripping the phone tightly.

“It’s not a big deal Jay, I just got in a little car accident.”

“What?”

“Some asshat ran a light and totaled my truck.”

“What?!” Jared yelled, already getting up and searching for his keys. Both Sadie and Harley’s ears perked up at Jared, tilting their heads at his tone.

“I’m fine, man, really. Just fucked up my arm when I hit the airbag, knocked my head on the window.”

“Oh god, where are you?” Jared asked, frantic as he rummaged through all the papers on the counter. Both dogs had now found their way between Jared’s legs, Sadie letting out a small whine. Jared shooed them both away, grabbing his sneakers from next to the bookcase. “What did the doctors say?” A picture on one of the shelves caught his eyes. Him and Jensen on set, taken by one of the lighting guys who had just gotten a new digital camera for his birthday. Jared was making a fort out of his lunch, complete with functioning French bread door. Jensen was grinning, his eyes focused on Jared, crinkled at the corners, his expression a mix of amusement and affection. He’d give anything to see that look from Jensen right now.

“Hey, listen to me,” Jensen said firmly, pulling his attention away from the picture and back to now. “Stop, take a breath, and listen to me. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I am fine. Just a little banged up. They’ve got me settled now, and we’re just waiting for some test results. They said I’ll probably be able to go in a few hours. Just need someone to come pick me up.”

“I’m coming right now.”

“I know.”

“You’re okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, Jay,” Jensen breathed softly. “Promise. Now go over to the microwave and get your keys, and get that pretty little ass of yours over to St. Thomas.” Jared moved the mail off the microwave, seeing his keys under the mess. “Ooh, and get me some M&Ms.”

“What am I, your bitch?” Jared laughed tightly, his heart calming somewhat in his chest.

“You know it.”

“Be there soon, Jen.” He dropped two steak chews for the puppies, apologizing for ignoring them and promising to be back soon.

He had gotten to the hospital, stopped by the gift shop, and gotten up to Jensen’s room in less than a half hour. He had almost withheld the M&Ms from Jensen when he saw the bandage on his head and the bruise down his arm, but then he had pouted those lips and coaxed him to sit on the cramped hospital bed. After Jen proved he was okay (out of sight of any medical staff), they had sat on opposite ends of the bed and tossed the candies into one another’s mouths as they waited on test results. After filling his prescription for some pain killers, Jared had insisted they go straight home and get Jensen comfortable.

He had set him up in bed, all propped up on pillows, and they had put on a movie even though Jen was out within twenty minutes from the medication. It had taken longer for Jared to fall asleep. When he finally did his dreams were filled with horrible images of possibilities of Jen’s accident—what could’ve happened if it had been worse. All he could see was Jen lying in that bed when they were filming Time of Dying. Needless to say once he woke up he didn’t think he’d be getting back to sleep anytime soon.

He looked back over at Jen, kissing his temple lightly before cautiously pulling himself away from his warm body. Jensen mumbled discontentedly and Jared smoothed back his hair, Jensen leaning into his touch even in sleep. The dogs were curled up with each other in their bed, Sadie opening an eye at him before tucking her head back into Harley’s stomach. Jared smiled softly before padding out into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and heading out to the porch.

This was one of the reason he loved Jen’s place so much—the balcony attached to the apartment was big enough to fit a few lounges, a small table, and of course a grill. Half of it was covered, so they could either relax in the shade or sit out in the sun. And of course they had christened it as soon as Jen had moved in (Jensen had protested at first, not wanting to get kicked out of his apartment an hour after moving in, but then Jared had thrown him a dangerous smile before crowding him against the railing and dropping to his knees, giving him several reasons that it was the best idea he’d ever had).

He laid down in one of the lounges, staring up at the dark, inky sky. He had been pretty calm around Jensen so far. No freaking out—in front of him at least. Yeah he was only a little banged up, but it could’ve been a lot worse. What if he had been unconscious? What if he had been in really bad condition and the staff didn’t know who to contact? Jensen had been brought to the hospital by ambulance, so his cell phone had been left in his totaled truck. They wouldn’t know Jared’s number. What if he had needed surgery? Jensen hated the idea of someone cutting him open; he had never even had his appendix out. What if he had woken up scared and no one was there? What if he had been in such bad shape that he died…?

Jared couldn’t even think that. He sat forward, his head buried in his hands. What if… No one would know ever know about them. They had kept their relationship secret so far. Both of them had been more than happy to just keep it to themselves. It was their own little thing, and together they didn’t have to worry about screwing with the show or the crazy publicity or questions from their friends and family. It was just them. They could worry about the rest later; they had plenty of time. But what if they didn’t? What if something really bad had happened tonight?

“You are thinking way too much for three in the morning.” Jared lifted his head, snapped out of his thoughts by Jensen’s sleepy voice. He was at the patio door wrapped in his navy blue patchwork quilt, his hair tousled from sleep.

“Hey, you should be in bed.”

“Funny, I was about to say the same thing. Move back,” he nodded to the lounge, climbing between Jared’s legs and leaning back against his chest. Jared pulled the blanket up over them both, relaxing as Jensen sank into his arms. “So should I be bothered by the fact I woke up in bed alone?” Jared smiled lightly as his arms tightened around Jensen’s waist.

“Nah, but maybe you should be worried about those pain meds they put you on.”

“Why?”

“Cause right before you conked out you told me, twice, that Harley needed the ketchup and I had to bring it to him.”

“Oh god, did I really?” Jen chuckled.

“Then you told me not to forget the grocery list when I go shopping.”

“How out of it was I?”

“Not too out of it to forget to remind me to pick up some strawberry flavored lube.”

“Well at least I kept my priorities straight,” he laughed. They were quiet for a few minutes, just taking in the night sky, before Jensen spoke again. “So you gonna tell me what’s going on in that shaggy head of yours?” Jared sighed, leaning his head forward against Jensen’s neck.

“Today coulda been bad,” he murmured against Jensen’s skin.

“I know.”

“Real bad.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“But it coulda been.”

“Everyday could end up bad.”

“But this one almost did.”

“Jay…”

“No, I mean it Jen. I was… was really fuckin freaked out, man. The whole drive there I couldn’t stop thinking that when I got there you were gonna be in surgery for a brain aneurysm or something and you were gonna be in a coma and all I could see was you with that tube down your throat and all those machines in the premiere and what would happen if I had to call your family and Eric and Kim and tell them you were in a coma? I think Sadie and Harley would be totally depressed if you weren’t here anymore and what if they stopped eating? What if Eric wanted to keep going with the show but I would never do it without you man, cause it’s us, but I know how much it means to you so I wouldn’t have any idea what to do and what would I tell everyone about us? Cause I don’t think I could keep it to myself. And what if you woke up from the coma but didn’t remember us? Like, you knew who I was, but didn’t remember us? I’d be so happy you were okay but I don’t know what I’d do if…”

“Dude,” Jensen interrupted, his hands on Jared’s thighs as he quirked a small grin. “You thought all that in the half hour drive to the hospital?”

“26 minutes,” Jared said quietly, his voice shaking. Jensen twisted in his arms, reaching around and pulling his head down to press his lips against Jared’s. He traced his bottom lip with his tongue, gently sucking on it before licking his way into Jared’s mouth. His fingers pressed against the back of Jared’s neck, feeling the warmth radiating off the skin under his touch.

“I’d remember us,” he whispered against Jared’s lips. “And if I didn’t, you’d make me remember. You’d pout when I kick your ass at Madden and sing bad 80’s pop crazy off key and get drunk off like two shots of tequila and make me do karaoke… and I’d bitch about it but secretly love every second of it.” He paused, kissing Jared lightly, his hands threading through his long hair, tugging on the ends. “You’re not the only one who was freaked out.” Jared leaned his head against Jensen’s, breathing in his soft scent.

“Jen,” he whispered softly. “My mom called on my way to the hospital.”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t pick up the phone.”

“Why not?” Jared sighed softly, shutting his eyes as he took a few breaths.

“I… I knew if I heard her voice I’d tell her everything.” Jensen’s hand rubbed up and down Jared’s arm, his fingers trailing down the soft hair. “I wanted to talk to her so bad. I wanted her to tell me you were gonna be okay.”

“She would’ve told you that.”

“But she wouldn’t understand why I needed to hear it.” Jensen continued to stroke Jared’s skin lightly, taking a breath after a few moments of quiet.

“You want to tell her,” Jensen murmured, his voice even. Jared tightened his hold around Jensen, careful of his injuries.

“It’s just… It was fine before, with just us. It was you and me and that’s what matters and none of the crazy drama that’ll happen if people know. But now…man…”

“I know. It’s more than we thought it was gonna be.” Jared exhaled, nodding softly.

“Yeah.”

“Then…” Jensen paused, leaning his head back and looking up into the sky. “We should tell them.”

“What?” Jared asked, taken aback.

“Tell them. Your family. My family.”

“Really? What about… everything we said before…”

“I don’t think we should be showing up at the Upfronts with rainbow shirts or anything, but maybe it’s time to tell a few people. Our families. Eric. Maybe some of the guys.” He yawned, pulling the blanket up tighter.

“You mean it?” Jared said, a slow smile spreading across his face.

“You know I don’t like hiding it anymore than you do. I think we need to be careful not to let it out to the press, but… if it happens, it happens. I’m done keeping this a secret.”

“You sound like you’ve thought about this.”

“It’s been on my mind,” he nodded. His head fell back against Jared’s chest, his eyes slipping closed as they laid in silence outside. “M’tired Jay…” Jared kissed his forehead, his hand smoothing back Jensen’s hair.

“Come on baby, let’s get you back to bed,” he whispered softly. He eased Jensen up, slipping his arm around his waist and holding him up soundly. He guided him back inside and to their bed, tucking him under the covers. He slipped in behind him, spooning up against him tightly, his hand resting possessively on Jensen’s hip. He placed kisses along his neck and jaw, his lips pressed against the shell of his ear. “This is more than we thought it was going to be, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jensen murmured. “S’more.” He covered Jared’s hand with his own, bringing their arms down to wrap around his middle. Soft snores were escaping his lips after only a moment. Jared pressed his palm against the smooth, warm skin of Jensen’s stomach; nuzzled against the soft, downy hairs on the nape of his neck. ‘Yeah,’ Jared thought, grinning against the back of Jensen’s neck. ‘It’s a lot more.’

Hey everyone, listen up!

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 21:23:28 GMT

I'm sure most of you know of know of dodger_winslow's journal, and if not you need to get your butts over there. Not only is it full of phenomenal fic and awesome meta, but some really great thoughts on Supernatural and the fandom.

Right now she's trying to make the fandom stand up and appreciate the boys as talented and gracious guys who work their asses off for their fans. Lately there's been some action in the fandom that doesn't show any respect for Jared and Jensen as people and she's trying to raise some awareness to have everyone really appreciate these great men.

So, in her words, take this icon and show your support of the idea behind it by USING it. Circulate it. Post it to your own LJ for your flisters to find and use. Post it anywhere and everywhere that Supernatural fan activity takes place and encourage others to use it to show their support of the idea that Jensen and Jared deserve to be treated with RESPECT by their fans.

I know I don't have many people on my flist cause I just started out, but I'm trying to do my part : )

ZOMG I'm Back!!

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 22:55:00 GMT

And my new power cord is finally here! Okay, and since I so have not had time to get online for an extended period of time in more han 5 days, let's wonder---how long do we think it'll take for me to get updated on all the fic and news out there? I'm guessing the whole rest of my night. Which is totally fine by me. YEAH INTERNET!

Side note--currently watching New York Minute for the first time. All I have to say-- Ohhh, Jared. You are precious. Too precious for this world.

My dog ate my homework... Seriously.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 01:46:11 GMT

Okay, my new puppy is the cutest thing with the funniest personality I have ever seen. And he better be glad, because otherwise I wouldn't excuse the CHEWING MY COMPUTER CORD!! Yes, my computer has been dead for days now because of that little rascal. Yes, it's really my fault for putting the wires anywhere he could possibly pull them down, but still--come on! Sigh--just wanted to update. I'll be ordering a new power cord then I'll be able to post some new fic (and maybe do some RL work too)

Man, he better be glad he's too freakin adorable for words....

Making it Our Own

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 04:49:08 GMT

Title: Making it Our Own

Author: alyson_rocks

Characters/Paring: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13 (just a little boy kissing)
Length: 1132 words
Summary: The boys, a snow storm, and Thanksgiving.
Disclaimer: Do you honestly think if I had any personal connection to these beautiful men I would be wasting time writing about or sharing them? This is just wishful thinking about two awesome actors who are cool enough to let their fans do crazy stuff like this.
Author’s Note: Okay, so I was hoping this was out a little sooner, and that it was a little longer, but then I didn’t like how it was going. Also, there is no way I could have gotten it out sooner, as my mom came home with an early Christmas present for me, and I have been playing with my beautiful new 6 week old chocolate lab puppy Olliver! (I was this close to calling him Sammy because of the eyes) I’m lucky I’ve been able to do anything but coo at him for the last 2 days! : ) I’ll be posting another fic in a few days to make up for how short this one is. Before that, I’ll definitely be posting pictures of Olliver, hehe

Jensen sighed, watching as Jared paced the living room, phone cradled between his ear and shoulder, his hand clutching a few sheets of paper. The tv was on in the corner, playing softly, as Jared listened in on the phone. He sat on the couch, blowing on the fresh cup of hot coffee in his hands. Jared was frowning into the phone, pausing every so often to look out the window, which just made him frown harder. Jensen sipped his coffee, his eyes on Jared as he rifled through the papers. “Yes! Yes, I’m here,” Jared answered suddenly into the phone. Jensen placed his coffee on the table softly, and pulled Jared down onto the couch by his back belt loops the next time he walked past. “I’m trying to check on the status of a flight… yeah. American Airlines 282. Yeah, it’s nonstop.” Jensen slid his hands up Jared’s back, over the tight muscles in his shoulders. He leaned in and pressed his forehead against Jared’s back when he felt his shoulders slump. “All flights?” he heard Jared ask, his voice wrecked. “Well do you know when…?” He paused, dropping the papers on the coffee table and running a shaky hand through his hair. “Okay. All right. Thank you, ma’am.” Jared tossed the phone on the couch next to them, and laid his head in his hands. “All flights out of Vancouver have been cancelled indefinitely until the storm lifts,” he murmured into his hands.

The plans had all been set. Neither of them had seen their families since ‘officially’ getting together, and Jared had said, at least three times a day, how important it was going to be because it was their first holiday as a couple (“But Jen, this is the first time everyone gets to see us together, of course we have to decide what we’re gonna wear!") They had made the decision that Thanksgiving would be with the Padalecki clan, Christmas with Jensen’s family, and New Years with the guys in LA. They had a solid five days off filming for Thanksgiving; their flight was tomorrow, giving them a full day before Thanksgiving to relax. But that was all before the storm. Jared had been following the weather reports, but there was nothing they could really do. They had just gotten home from shooting the last few scenes an hour ago, and Jared had immediately picked up the phone to check with the airline. Unfortunately, it was now almost three feet later, and it was still coming down hard.

“All airlines?” Jared nodded, his head still in his hands. “All right. I guess it’s just gonna be us then.”

“This sucks,” Jared pouted. Jensen slid his hands down Jared’s ribs, wrapping his arms around his middle.

“I know, dude, but things happen. We’ll stay home for this one, and then we’ll just split up Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with everyone. It’ll be fine.” Jared turned in Jensen’s arms, leaning against the back of the sofa.

“But we had everything planned out! It was gonna be us at home and it was gonna make it real. Not that it’s not real,” he added quickly, seeing Jensen’s raised brow. “It’s just, I know you didn’t really care about going, but here we can’t even go out and be together, you know? We have to act like we’re just friends and I can’t touch you…”

“Dude, you’re all over me when we’re out!”

“You know what I mean; I can’t even kiss you! And I just thought if we went home then we could actually act like a real couple instead of all this hiding crap.”

“Hey, listen to me. It blows having to hide up here and not being able to just be us—I know that. But that doesn’t make it mean any less. Our families know about us, and our friends, and everybody who actually matters.”

“I know,” Jared nodded solemnly.

“And wait, what the hell do you mean I don’t care about going?” Jensen continued, his brow furrowed. “Of course I do.”

“I didn’t mean that…”

“Then what?”

“Just… you haven’t seemed as excited about this as I have.” Jared looked down at his hands, speaking softly. “I know it’s my family but I thought you’d be happy that we were goin’ cause it’s our first holiday…”

“I know it’s our first holiday together, you’ve reminded me a few hundred times.” Jared frowned, and Jensen leaned on an elbow, his other hand on Jared’s stomach, his fingers sliding across Jared’s skin under the hem of his shirt. “Jay, listen to me. I’m sorry I haven’t acted more excited about this—I really was. And you know I love your family, and everyone’s expecting us to visit them and I wanted to.”

“But?”

“But I wanted some time with just us,” Jensen sighed. “It just seems like lately we’re always going out with Mike and Tommy, or the crew, or we’ve had shoots or conventions or promo stuff and it’s like we haven’t been able to just relax and enjoy us.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Dude, you’ve been grinning non-stop since we bought the tickets a month ago,” he chuckled. “While no one else might notice anything strange, I know you were totally psyched about going.” Jared paused, looking at Jensen. His eyes were tired, but bright—and he was looking back at Jared like nothing else in the world mattered. Jared surged forward, pushing Jensen back against the armrest of the couch, pressing his lips against Jensen’s. His tongue shot out to trace Jensen’s lower lip, pushing inside his mouth urgently as his hand skimmed down Jensen’s side to pull at his hip.

“You’re so good to me,” he murmured against Jensen’s neck, sucking on his earlobe. He draped his body over Jensen’s, covering him, as he breathed against his warm skin.

“It’s purely selfish on my part; just wanna see that big dorky smile of yours,” he laughed softly as his cheeks reddened, his fingers threading through Jared’s hair.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry, you big softie, your secret’s safe with me.” Jensen scoffed and rolled his eyes, making Jared’s laugh.

“I promise, Christmas will be all about seeing everyone and presents and food and family traditions and showing each other off, okay? You can even feel free to grab my ass in front of your family if you want.”

“You’re damn right I will.” Jensen laughed and captured Jared’s lips again, chuckling against his mouth. “How about I call my family and let them know we can’t make it, then we start making some traditions of our own?” Jensen curled his leg around Jared’s calf, bringing his head back down to meet his.

“I know a few we can start with,” he grinned.

You Guys Rock!

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:10:13 GMT

You totally do. I posted my first fic the other day and you guys were AWESOME about comments. You totally made me want to post more. So guess what? I'm gonna! :D I had other ones I was going to be posting this week, but then a Thanksgiving bunny just jumped me out of nowhere, so I think I'm going to go with that one this week. So I'm working on it now, and it should be posted by or on Thanksgiving. So hopefully you guys (like me) will take a little time out of family day to have some J2 goodness.

That Wasn't the Plan (Or How 4 AM is a Perfect Time to Talk Things Out)

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 03:44:35 GMT

Title: This Wasn't the Plan (Or How 4 AM is a Perfect Time to Talk Things Out)

Author: alyson_rocks

Characters/Paring: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13 for boy kissing (yay) and language
Length: 2295 words
Summary: One night two weeks ago, and one sleepless night tonight, make Jared and Jensen reevaluate their relationship.
Disclaimer: Do you honestly think if I had any personal connection to these beautiful men I would be wasting time writing about or sharing them? This is just wishful thinking about two awesome actors who are cool enough to let their fans do crazy stuff like this.
Author’s Note: Okay everyone, here it is. First ever posted fic! It's a one shot, which is pretty much all I do. Would love to hear what you all think, but I love you lurkers too!

Jensen lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to even out his breathing. He and Jared hadn’t left the set until after one in the morning, and even though they had been beat, they were too wired after shooting to sleep. They had headed to Jensen’s and played a couple rounds of Madden, and then the exhaustion had hit them both pretty hard. Usually they might throw a movie on and doze on the couch, leaning against each other as they try to stay awake. But tonight they had parted with a small awkward pause and a quiet ‘night’ to each other, Jared on the couch and Jensen to his bedroom. For the last few weeks it seemed that awkward moments were creeping up a lot more frequently. It could be the long hours, the new shooting schedule for the third season. It could be that Jared and Jensen hadn’t been able to see their families in more than two months and they were both getting antsy for a home cooked meal and a warm Texas night. It could be that Sandy and Jared had decided to break up a few weeks ago and Jared had seemed a lot more lighthearted since then, his grins breaking out even more frequently than usual.

Or, Jensen thought to himself, it could be the fact that we haven’t talked about the fact that we kissed two weeks ago. It was a normal day—long day of shooting, going out for a few rounds and to watch whatever game was on, then back to Jared’s for a Guitar Hero battle. Looking back, Jensen still didn’t see any signs that night would any different than sleeping it off on Jared’s couch and going for waffles in the morning. But then Jensen had beat out Jared’s high score on Last Child, and Jared had tackled him to the couch after Jensen had proclaimed himself the master of all things awesome. It had happened in a second—at first Jared was on top of him, his fingers skimming Jensen’s skin under his shirt, making him laugh (laugh, not giggle—Jensen refused to acknowledge that anything resembling a giggle came out of his mouth) with tears in his eyes. Then they were kissing. There was no moment of staring into each other’s eyes, silently asking for permission. They were just… kissing.

Jared’s lips were warm and wet against his, his fingers ceasing to tickle and now steady on Jensen’s warm skin. The kiss was soft and sweet (Jensen would refuse to actually call it that, but if he was honest, that’s what it was). Jensen remembers parts of it. He remembers thinking he was shocked, but then Jared’s lips felt so right on his that the real shock didn’t come until later. He remembered sighing into Jared’s mouth, and his hand moving up to pull at Jared’s hip. Then Jared had pulled back, only enough to look into Jensen’s eyes for a moment before pulling back all the way, his hands leaving Jensen’s body as he moved back on the couch. And Jensen remembered that he missed the touch as soon as it was gone.

That was it. Jensen had sat up and shakily laughed it off as Jared trying to mess with his head so he couldn’t play any more. He knew with the way his hands were shaking he wouldn’t be able to anyways. He had pulled out of Jared’s early, claiming the need to get some rest and take care of some things in the morning. He had hightailed it out of there, and spent the rest of the night at his place repeating ‘what the hell?’ to himself over and over. And that was pretty much it. They hadn’t talked the next day, and on the set on Monday they had a somewhat awkward hello, but had then fallen into their routine pretty easily, the kiss seemingly forgotten by both. The only difference was that although they went out for a few drinks during the weeks after filming, it had been with the crew since everyone was still celebrating the beginning of the new season. It hadn’t been just the two of them since.

Until tonight. There was no reason they couldn’t hang out after work together tonight, with everyone having the weekend off before getting ready for a difficult shoot on Monday. So after an initial pause, they had gone out for a few and headed back to Jensen’s. This is how Jensen ended up laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about Jared out on his couch. He was exhausted, but had too many thoughts running through his mind to fall asleep. He sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. He scratched his chest over his worn Texas U t-shirt, blearily looking over at the clock. 3:52 am. How in the hell was he not asleep? Thank Christ they had tomorrow off (well, technically today, but Jensen never thought of it as today until he had been asleep and woken up). He clicked open his bedroom door quietly, taking a slow breath before heading out to the kitchen. He passed through the living room, giving in to glancing over at the couch. The empty couch. He furrowed his brow, continuing into the kitchen. Jared was hunched at the bar, sitting with a glass of water cradled in his hands. His large, strong hands. Jensen shook his head, taking a few steps into the kitchen.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked, his voice rough from the lack of sleep. Jared’s head shot up, a small smile gracing his lips, just a tiny hint of dimples showing. Jensen pulled out a glass and poured himself some water, then sat on the stool next to Jared.

“Must be crazy. We shot, what, 14 hours today? My body just wants to drop but I’m still totally wired.”

“Yeah, I know man. Getting back into this shooting schedule is gonna mess with our systems for awhile.”

“Yeah, we’ll look back in a month and wonder what the hell was wrong with us that we didn’t sleep when we had the chance.” Jared grinned softly, his shoulder bumping Jensen’s. Jensen leaned against him, their biceps touching. Jared’s smile froze slightly, gazing at Jensen for a moment before ducking his head down.

“Jay…” he murmured quietly, leaning more against him. Jared stood up off the stool, walking over to the sink and dumping out his glass, facing the wall.

“We should really try to get some sleep. We have a 5 am call in… a little more than 24 hours.” Jensen stood up, taking a step towards Jared at the sink. “Eric’ll have our asses if we’re falling asleep on set so early in the season.”

“For some reason, I think if we both went to bed right now neither of us would be sleeping.” Jensen sighed quietly, leaning against the bar and watching Jared’s shoulders tense. He turned, his eyes widening slightly as he saw how close Jensen was. He leaned back against the sink, his hands on the edge, his eyes on Jensen’s. “Don’t you think we should talk about what happened?”

“Not really.”

“And why is that?”

“Because.” Jensen had to smirk at Jared’s petulant response.

“Jay, look at me,” he said softly. Jared shook his head faintly, making Jensen smile a little more. “Dude,” he said, taking a step to close the distance between them. “Come on.” Jared lifted his head, meeting Jensen’s eyes with his own. “Okay. So what, just forget it happened?”

“We have to,” Jared shrugged. “We just… we can’t…” He laughed nervously, scratching his neck. “We have to,” he repeated.

“Why?” Jensen surprised himself by asking. Jared looked just as surprised.

“I… It’s too much Jen. There’s the show and the press and the fans and our families and our friends and we just can’t chance it. We have to think about our careers and… and…” he sighed angrily, his eyes meeting Jensen’s again. “Man, I don’t even care about all that. I mean, that’s all stuff we could deal with.”

“Then what it is?”

“I don’t want to fuck us up, Jen!” He stalked a few steps away from Jensen, turning to face him again. “You and me. I don’t want to get all Lifetime original movie on you but you’re my best friend and whatever this other…” He motioned between them with his hands. “…thing is between us could totally fuck that up! Yeah, it could ruin everything else but I’m not gonna chance it messing us up.”

“Jay,” Jensen sighed, leaning against the counter and looking at his friend. Jared had a frown on his face, his lower lip out, his brow furrowed. Jensen couldn’t help thinking how wrong the frown looked on his face, and the number of things he could do to get rid of it. He just looked so adorable. Being all serious when he should be laughing and grinning and hanging off of Jensen. The thought brought a smile to his face. “You know I feel the same way. The way things are right now… it’s awesome. The show and the fans and you, everything’s great.” He took the few steps it took to close the gap between them. “But… I think things could be better. I think whatever this thing is, it could be better.” He sighed, looking down for a moment. “Jay, listen. You know I would never push something on you that you don’t want. But I’m putting it out there. You want things to stay the way they are now, it’s fine, and in the morning everything’ll be cool.” They locked eyes again, the unspoken question (proposal?) hanging between them. Jensen finally cleared his throat, smiling softly as he scratched the back of his neck. “It’s late. We should get some sleep. Don’t go sneaking out or anything,” he smirked. “Waffles in the morning?”

“Yeah. Course,” Jared agreed. Jensen nodded slowly, looking as if he didn’t trust Jared not to silently climb out a window as soon as Jensen closed his bedroom door. “See you in the morning.” Jensen’s smile grew a little.

“In the morning, then.” Jensen nudged his shoulder once before heading back to his bedroom.

Twenty four minutes later, and Jared was exactly where he was an hour ago, only now he had twice as many thoughts running through his head. He had made a good plan before Jensen said anything. Ignore everything he felt and don’t talk about it and definitely don’t act on it. Not ideal, but safe. Now that plan was all shot to hell. The key point of the previous plan was that nothing would change. He and Jen would eventually get over whatever awkwardness was going on, and things would be as awesome as they always were. There might be some moments few and far between (Oh please, at least five times a day, his brain told him) of craving something that wasn’t obtainable, but they would get over them. Now…Jesus, now things were all turned around. Now there were possibilities. How the hell was he expected to just ignore Jensen’s invitation?

I’m not, Jared thought abruptly. That’s the point. He got up off the couch, and before he knew it, he was at Jensen’s bedroom door, opening it and peering in at the bed. Jensen was asleep, curled up on his side facing Jared. His hands were twisted around the blanket, pulled up around his chin. His mouth was open slightly, and he was snoring softly. He looked good. Even though he was drooling. And his hair was all mussed up. And god he looked good. Jared closed the door quietly behind him, creeping around to the other side of the bed. There was a last minute stream of second and third thoughts, but he pushed them away. This was right. He knew it was. He lifted up the covers, making Jensen stir. He rolled back slightly, looking up at Jared with sleep filled eyes.

“Jay?” he asked softly, his voice rough from sleep. Jared slipped into Jensen’s bed behind him.

“I think it could be better too,” he whispered, leaning on his elbow and looking down at Jensen. Jensen squinted at Jared for a moment, before breaking into that easy smile of his that always drove Jared crazy. Now was no exception.

“Dude, only you would want to talk about this at quarter past four in the morning,” he chuckled tiredly. “Come on, sleep. Waffles later.” Jensen turned in the bed, his back towards Jared. Jared grinned, pulling the blankets up around them. He moved closer to Jensen, the fabric of their shirts scarcely brushing as he breathed in Jensen’s scent. He paused, unsure what to do with his hands, his body. Jensen obviously sensed his hesitance, and took care of it for him. He rolled back, scooting into the curve of Jared’s body, flush against him, back to chest, hips together. Jared slid his hand over Jensen’s hip, around his middle, his arm fitting over Jensen’s arm. He ducked his head into the bow of Jensen’s neck, nuzzling against him. His eyes closed easily, his arms full of warm, sleepy Jensen.

“Damn cuddler,” Jensen murmured, already half asleep.

“You started it, you girl,” Jared whispered back, his hand tightening around Jensen’s stomach. Jensen muttered something else that Jared didn’t understand, but whether it was because Jensen was too far asleep to actually say anything coherent or Jared was too far asleep to comprehend anything, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was the smooth skin under his palm, the soft sound of shallow breathing, and the comforting warmth that had spread through his chest.

LJ Cut

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:42:23 GMT

I need to practice on my LJ. I've been having issues with cuts.....

Let's give it a shot....

Yay it worked!!

I'm working, I'm working...

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 05:09:34 GMT

Okay, okay. So I know I posted like more than a week ago saying I wasn't going to be a lurker anymore, and since then all I've been doing is lurking. But I SWEAR I've been writing. I'm just waiting until I have at least 3 fics set to post before I start, that way I can really start off awesome. I don't know why I'm posting this message in fact, considering nobody even knows this LJ exists yet, due to the lack of posting.

Perhaps I'm hoping that once I do eventually post, readers will check previous posts, and tah-dah, read this message.

If you are reading this and thinking to yourself, "hey, that's what I'm doing", then I ROCK!

My goal: to post a fic by next Friday in a bunch of different comms. To be fair, my best friend is coming tomorrow until Tuesday, and we have planned a weekend of awesomeness to decimate all other weekends of awesomeness. I know you're reading this Lizz--I hope you're happy, and not too wierded out by me writing fic about real people. The boys are just so yummy and hot oh so inspiring!!

Wow. So this is an LJ Entry!

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 00:02:28 GMT

So, like my profile says, I am a lurker ::shameful:: I've been lurking around LJ accounts for probably more than a year now, reading all you guys' fic and laughing at all your funniness. But now I have my own page to lurk around! Although a bunch of you guys are so much more interesting, so I don't know why you're reading my rambling! We'll see if I can keep up this whole interesting posting business, I don't know if I'm that funny.

What am I saying? I am freaking hilarious! You guys are totally lucky to be in my mind.